What to Do When You Misgender Someone: Pronouns and Apologies

If you misgender someone, correct the wording, apologize in a few words, and keep going. "Sorry, they said they'll join us later" is a complete repair for an accidental slip. From that point on, use the right name and pronouns.

The same short sequence works when someone corrects you. Thank them, use the wording they gave you, and continue the conversation. You do not need to explain your intentions, ask for reassurance, or wait for forgiveness. Practice afterward so the next sentence comes out right.

Wording for different settings, ways to ask about names and pronouns privately, support for someone another person misgenders, and the points where a direct conversation may not be safe all follow. Repair in general has its own guide, repair after a disagreement, and the wider topic sits in the LGBTQ+ relationships guide.

What to say in the moment

Most misgendering is a slip of the tongue, and the fix is a few words said at the pace of the sentence you were already speaking. Here is wording for common moments:

• You catch yourself mid-sentence at work: "Sorry, they sent the email." Then finish the thought.
• You used the wrong name in conversation: "I'm sorry, Alex. I used the wrong name." Then carry on without circling back.
• Someone corrects you: "Thanks for letting me know. I'll use Kai and they/them."
• You notice the slip in writing: use the right name and pronouns in your next message and skip a long note.
• The mistake keeps happening: apologize privately, which the section on practice covers below.

The common thread is that the correction takes the place of an explanation. The person who was misgendered gets accurate language, and the conversation stays on whatever you were discussing before. A slip does not call for a speech about how bad you feel, because that turns the moment into something the other person has to manage.

Why the right name and pronouns matter

Using someone's name and pronouns is a practical form of respect, and it can be part of a supportive environment. The evidence on well-being is specific to the groups studied, so it helps to know what each finding covers.

A 2018 study of 129 transgender and gender-nonconforming youth ages 15 to 21 in three U.S. cities found that, among youth who used a chosen name, using it in more settings went along with fewer depressive symptoms, less suicidal ideation, and less suicidal behavior. That is an association, and the sample was small and not nationally representative. A related 2019 analysis of the same cohort linked chosen-name use at home, school, and work with better mental-health outcomes, and noted that supportive family and teachers made it easier to use the name in some settings.

In interviews with 33 transgender youth ages 16 to 25, participants described parents' use of chosen names and pronouns as affirming. A 2024 clinic-based study of 175 transgender and gender-diverse youth ages 13 to 18 associated positive family support with fewer mental-health concerns. A 2020 scale-validation study of transgender women living with HIV treated correct pronoun use as one part of social gender affirmation. Each of these involved a particular group, so none of them shows that one apology or one naming practice prevents depression or any other outcome for everyone.

A chosen name is a name a person uses because it reflects who they are. Some transgender and nonbinary people use a name different from the one given at birth, and others do not change their name. A person's name and pronouns can also change over time or vary by setting.

How to ask for names and pronouns

Pronouns are words used in place of a name, such as she/her, he/him, or they/them. Singular "they" is established grammar and can refer to one person. APA's inclusive language guidelines advise against guessing pronouns from appearance, voice, clothing, or name, and they suggest saying "pronouns" rather than "preferred pronouns," since "preferred" can suggest that respectful use is optional.

Sharing your own first makes asking easier, and The Trevor Project recommends asking without pressure. Wording you can adapt:

• Introducing yourself: "I'm Jordan, and I use they/them pronouns. What name and pronouns should I use for you?"
• A private question: "What pronouns do you use?"
• About a name: "What name would you like me to use?"
• When someone uses more than one set: "Do you use those pronouns interchangeably, or is there a context you prefer?"

If you are unsure and cannot ask yet, use the person's name or neutral wording until you can. Questions about surgery, hormones, anatomy, medical history, or a former name are the person's to raise, and they stay unasked unless the person has clearly invited that conversation and the information is relevant.

An apology that stays short

An apology for a slip has one job, which is to acknowledge the mistake. "I'm sorry" or "Thanks for correcting me" does that. Wording that pulls the conversation back toward you tends to undo it. Leave these out:

• "I'm trying, so you can't be upset."
• "You know what I meant."
• "It's hard for me because I knew you before."
• A long explanation about your guilt or your intentions.
• Repeating the former name while you apologize.
• A request for the person to reassure you.

An apology does not require the other person to forgive you, stay in touch, share more, or have a longer conversation. They may say "thanks" and move on, and that is a full response. The goal is reliable behavior over time, as The Trevor Project's ally guide describes it. No single script guarantees that someone will feel repaired, so follow what the person tells you and what you do next. For apologies about other kinds of harm, the page on repair after a disagreement covers the steps.

What accepting a correction sounds like

Accepting a correction means taking in information and changing your language: "Thanks for telling me. I'll use they/them." The conversation continues, and the person does not have to do anything further.

Defensiveness moves attention from the correction to your intentions or discomfort. Examples include "I've known you for years, so this is difficult for me," "I don't see you that way," and "You're being too sensitive." A correction is information about how to refer to someone. It is not automatically an accusation about your character, so you can acknowledge the impact without guessing at anyone's motives: "I understand. I used the wrong pronoun, and I'll correct it."

If you need clarification, ask which wording to use. Debating whether the person's identity is valid is a different conversation, and it is not one the person owes you.

Practice, so the mistake does not repeat

Practice happens on your own time, so the person you are talking to does not have to teach you. Say the name and pronouns aloud in sentences about the person, write them in a note, and use the name before you speak about them. Rehearse in private rather than in front of the person. Using their name instead of a pronoun is a good stopgap while the new wording settles in.

When mistakes continue, a private conversation can help. You might say, "I'm sorry I keep getting this wrong. You should not have to keep correcting me. I'm practicing, and I'll use your name and pronouns consistently." Then let your behavior carry the apology.

Repeated or deliberate misgendering is a different situation from an occasional slip. The person may set a boundary, reduce contact, or use a workplace process, and none of that is an overreaction. Respond to what is happening, and leave the speaker's intentions out of it.

Supporting someone when others misgender them

If a friend, relative, partner, or coworker is misgendered by someone else, the first step is a question to the person: how do they want you to handle it? Some people want an immediate correction, some prefer a private follow-up, and some would rather nobody step in each time. Asking ahead of time keeps the choice with them.

Once you know, you have options:

• A brief correction: "Jordan uses they/them."
• Modeling: "Yes, Jordan said they will join us."
• A private word with the speaker: "I noticed you used the wrong pronoun for Jordan. Jordan uses they/them."
• A check-in afterward: "Would you like me to say something next time?"

Public correction is not always safe. If it could out the person or expose them to retaliation, skip it and ask what they want. The same goes for a former name, which you keep to yourself. When the person is not present, use their correct name and pronouns where it is safe and appropriate. If you do not know whether the person is out, ask them privately, and leave the guessing out. How a person shares their identity is a separate decision that coming out and relationship boundaries covers in more detail.

Names and pronouns in Spanish and other languages

English pronoun guidance does not map exactly onto Spanish grammar. Spanish carries gender in more places, including articles, adjectives, titles, and word endings, and personal usage varies across regions, families, and individuals. Some Spanish speakers use él, ella, elle, their name alone, neutral phrasing, or another form of their own.

The respectful move is to ask rather than choose one form for everyone. Two questions you can use: "¿Qué pronombres usas?" and "¿Cómo quieres que hable de ti?" Then ask how the person wants gendered words, titles, and endings handled, such as "amigo," "amiga," or a neutral alternative. Their answer can differ with the setting, so ask again when a new setting comes up. The same approach fits any language where gender shows up in more than pronouns.

Names and pronouns across family, work, and daily life

A person may use different names or pronouns at home, at work, in writing, and with particular relatives, and ASHA's guidance on gender-affirming communication points to asking what is safe and appropriate in each setting. Before you use someone's name or pronouns in front of a relative, coworker, or neighbor, ask whether that is welcome. Do not announce a person's identity, name history, or pronouns to others without permission.

At work, sharing your own pronouns can offer an invitation without asking anyone else to disclose, and it should stay optional. In writing, use a person's current name and pronouns unless a legal or administrative record requires something else. Where a private check will do, do not say a former name aloud.

Families come in many shapes. Parents, siblings, grandparents, partners, caregivers, and chosen family may all use someone's name and pronouns, and the person decides which of them may know what. The page on chosen family and support looks at those relationships.

Access shapes the conversation too. ASHA's communication access guidance suggests asking about communication preferences, speaking directly to the person, confirming understanding, and allowing processing time. Captions, writing, AAC, or an interpreter can all fit, and the ADA's effective communication guidance says to speak with the person rather than relying on a companion when direct communication or an access support is available.

Practice does not have to cost anything. Writing the name and pronouns down, rehearsing alone, and using neutral language while you ask all work, and nobody needs a legal name change or a medical step before you show respect.

When a direct conversation may not be safe

A direct conversation, family meeting, mediation, or joint repair process may not be safe when there is abuse, coercive control, stalking, threats, unsafe monitoring, or retaliation. Warning signs include control over money, housing, transportation, immigration documents, or devices, threats to expose someone's identity, and monitoring of phones or accounts. The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes these patterns.

In that situation, private support and safety planning come first, and nobody should be pressed to confront someone, disclose their identity, or attend a joint meeting. The U.S. Department of Justice states that couples counseling, family counseling, and other joint counseling should not be a routine or required response to domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. If you are supporting someone, ask privately, when it is safe: "Is it safe to talk right now?" and "What would you like me to do?"

For immediate danger in the United States, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 800-799-SAFE, by text with START to 88788, or through online chat. RAINN is at 800-656-HOPE or by text with HOPE to 64673. For emotional crisis or thoughts of suicide, 988 is available by call, text, or chat, with Spanish options.

The Department of Justice's stalking page lists 855-4-VICTIM for victim assistance. If a device may be monitored, NNEDV's technology safety plan suggests considering a safer device and planning before changing accounts or settings. Check each organization's live contact page before relying on a number or text code.

A next step you can use today

Pick the one line that fits your situation and practice it once out loud. If you are the one who slipped, the sequence is to correct, apologize briefly, and keep going. If you are supporting someone else, ask them what kind of help they want before you say anything to anyone. A longer conversation can wait until the person invites it, and the LGBTQ+ relationships guide is there for the wider picture.

Questions people ask

What should I say if someone corrects my pronouns?

Say something like, "Thanks for telling me. I'll use they/them." Then use the pronouns in the same conversation and the ones after it, so the person sees the change in how you speak.

Should I say "preferred pronouns"?

"Pronouns" or "identified pronouns" is the wording APA recommends. "Preferred" can suggest that using the right pronouns is optional, which is why many people avoid it.

Should I correct someone who misgenders my friend?

Ask your friend first, ideally before the next occasion comes up. If correction is welcome and safe, you can correct briefly or model the right wording, and if it is not, you can skip it.

What is deadnaming?

Deadnaming means using a name a transgender or gender-expansive person used at an earlier time. PFLAG's glossary describes it as something to avoid unless the person gives permission or a specific administrative need calls for it.

Can someone use different names or pronouns in different places?

Yes. Someone might use one name with relatives, another at work, and a third online. Ask what fits each setting, and keep what you learn private.